Dare to trust26 juni 2016
A few weeks ago a beautiful young man decided to die. He was nothing special ‘from’ me. No particular bond like a brother or a friend. He was one of my sort-of-collegues at one of the organisations I work for.
So he was nothing from me. But he turned out to mean something to me. I realized that when the tears suddenly burned my eyes when I heard the unexpected news. I realized it again when I caught myself thinking of his life every day. Several times a day. And I noticed it again when I felt that warm deep and calm energy at the funeral. It was perfect. His live was lived fully and completed in his own way.
But then the thoughts came again. ‘You are not allowed to feel that. No, it was too early. He was too young to die. Everybody says so. What if he had seen the beauty in himself like al those other people saw in him? What if he had more glimpses of how light life can be also? What if he had trusted more?’
And although they are all just mediocre thoughts, nothing that deserves my attention for too long, that last one triggered me especially.
A friend gave a speech to honor him and say goodbye. He mentioned that his friend seemed to have caught himself in between not being able to know the answers in life he was looking for and not be able to trust life without knowing. That looks like a pretty nasty cage to me. Very brave to put yourself in that position and live your life from there. And I sort of can imagine that you may loose track of how and why you got there. And where is trust then, when you need it?
Trust that life will carry you. That you áre life itself. That you are taken care of. Always. No matter what. You can choose to see proof of it everywhere or you don’t. That’s called free will. You’re not spinning of this earth with so many miles an hour. That’s taken care of by life. Every bodily process goes on without your conscious attention. Even better without your attention I guess. When your heart is pounding wildly of nervousness, does your paying attention to your heartbeat help you a lot? Probably not. When noticed it mostly keeps racing or you feel it speed up even more.
Same for breath. Let yourself be breathed. Kind of a weird sentence, because we’re used to sentences in which we are the do-er. I breathe. But really. Do you?? And if so, how? What are you doing when breathing, except from the noticeable things in your chest, mouth, troat…? How do you do that thing with oxygin that the rest of your body needs to function?
Really, you don’t have anything to do with it. So what about trust? Seems a good idea to apply to things you have no clue about. And that is most of the things going on in this life. How do you get your ideas? Where do your preferences come from? Where are thoughts being born? Are emotions yours exclusively? Why do you exist? Who are you?
What is it that you cŕn know for sure? Maybe knowledge about how we name things like a chair or three or green. Although people can differ in their naming or perceiving of forms, shapes, colours etc. Or knowledge about how things work. That something we call ´gravity´ exists that pulls you to the center of the earth. - “the world sucks. That’s okay. It keeps you from flying away” - Or knowledge of rules of conduct we agree on to get along or be able to function as humanity on this planet. Although those ´rules´ vary from place to place and from time to time.
So back to trust. What if you can´t know much really ŕnd are not willing to trust? Wow. That’s hard to imagine in it’s extreme form. And at the same time easy to imagine and even feel the tightness of. Because there are countless ways in which people (including me) experience that in less extreme forms. Like in ‘needing to know’ what the one thing in life is that you are meant to be doing. Is there even such a thing? If you belief so, then you ‘need to know’ also the way to find out what it is. And where there is a ‘need’ there seems to be another belief in play that states: ‘the way it is now, is not good enough’. Or more personal: ‘the way you are now, is not good enough’. If the need is satisfied, then you will be…complete, happy, better, healthy, worthy etc.
But maybe it is already okay as it is. Maybe you are okay as you are. And maybe you have everything you need right now. Including desires to act upon. To make yourself grow. To entertain yourself with. What if it is already perfect? Nobody can know for sure. So you can try as well to see life a while from that point of view. What proof can you find that you have what you need? That life consists of numerous sources to support you. Sources of food and water, shelter, love, warmth, inspiration, money, assistence, experiences to choose, imagination, a body to move and act with.
And not to forget: attention. What you pay attention to, grows. Try it. Experience with it. Because in my opinion it’s not about what is absolutely true in any case. But what works for me. And what works for you. That’s not necessary the same, because life has infinite possibilities to express itself. Every human being is one of them. Every second again. Because the power of choice gives each human being infinite pathways to live it’s live. Every step a new choice, followed by a new one. Endless possibilities to shape yourself and thus shape (your) life.
Thinking of the many possibilities in each second can be overwhelming and we may feel the need for control. The need to know things. Especially what’s the right possibility to act on. But the options are simply to vast to comprehend and extract the one with our average human brain. We can experience fear as we torture ourselves with repeating thoughts and beliefs. And that brings me back to trust again. – SURPRISE - Belief that trust leads you to precisely that what’s yours. Start to practice with what you cŕn trust in life. And after some experience, completely trust in yourself as you are. Or is the other way around easier for you?
Belief and trust are different qualities. Belief is more of a knowledge-thing and you can exchange one belief for an other if you know how and practice that. It can be very helpful in making your life easier. Trust is more of a being thing. From a state of trust you will receive exactly that which makes you feel good. And alive. Right here, right now. Just live life fully by following where it leads you. Scary as hell. Or as heaven? Nobody knows. Maybe just as scary as the way in which you keep thinking how and why.
That’s why I love questions so much. The popping up of a question remind me of my tendency of wanting to find the one and only right answer. As a way to feel safe. And that helps me realize, again and again, that there’s no such a thing. Because I am already as safe and alive as I can be. So I can take a deep, relieved, relaxing breath and just live life. Happily ever after. Or not. My choice.
Thank you A. Thanks for sharing with me part of your wisdom, powerful energy and fullness of life. In the ‘weird’ form you chose. The only form that could touch me the way it did. It strengthens me to explore and serve trust even more. I am curious and a bit scared. And I choose to call it ‘excited’. That works for me to keep moving despite fear that’s always present. As is love and care. I know.
So this is an invitation. To me and to all who feels spoken to. Let’s go and dive deeper into life. Dare to trust.
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